Dec. 21 update below.
Dec. 22 update below.

My Comcast cable internet connection died last night.

Well, maybe not died so much as slowed to such a crawl as to simply look dead. 

I noticed it as I was about to go to bed, so of course I stayed up for 45 minutes trying to fix it, to no avail. Eventually I simply hooked up my AT&T DSL to my Airport Express and called it a night. I figured it would either resolve itself by the time I awoke, or at least by the time I got home from work.

Ever the optimist, I am.

Instead I was lucky enough to have a need to contact Comcast customer support. I chose to use the chat system, because that’s always fun. I really do think they’re the closest thing to a successful Turing test yet. Here’s the transcript of my conversation:

Problem : My internet connection is slow to the point of not working. I’ve restarted the computer, modem, etc. Slow for last 24 hours.
Christopher > Hello Jasonian, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Christopher. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Christopher > How are you?
Jasonian > I’m great thanks, and I hope you are too.
Christopher > Good to know that.
Christopher > Good to know that.
Christopher > Your concern is regarding your internet connection, right?
Jasonian > yes.
Christopher > Let me check it out if there is a maintenance ongoing as of the moment.
Christopher > I will give you the details if there is any.
Christopher > I have check it out, there is a outage detected in your area. Our Engineers are still working on some maintenance as of the moment. It will be back with in 24 hours.
Jasonian > Can you tell me about when it went out and if it’s a complete or partial outage?
Christopher > It is just a partial outage. It will be back after 5 hours.
Jasonian > I see. OK. Is this information available online where I can check status?
Christopher > It also pops up in your webmail.
Christopher > Have i resolved your issue by giving you the information of the outage affecting your location?
Jasonian > Thanks. I will check my “webmail”, if I can find that on the site. Thanks four your help.
Christopher > Have i resolved your issue by giving you the information of the outage affecting your location?
Jasonian > I suppose so.
Christopher > Have i resolved your issue by giving you the information of the outage affecting your location?
Christopher > That is the only way I can resolve you issue to give the information of the outage.
Christopher > Have i resolve it by giving the information of the outage?
Jasonian > Thanks for the information.
Christopher > So did I resolve it by giving that information?
Jasonian > my connection is still down, so the reason i contacted you is not resolved. i now have more information than before. i thank you for that.
Christopher > Alright.
Christopher > Any other concerns for tonight?
Jasonian > no more at the moment.
Christopher > Okay.
Christopher > Thank you for choosing Comcast. I have great time chatting with you today. Have a good one!
Christopher > Happy Holidays!
Christopher > Take Care.
Christopher > Bye.
Jasonian > and to you.
Christopher > Analyst has closed chat and left the room

Dec. 21 update: Four days later, and the connection is now completely down, rather than just really slow. The modem won’t even connect: it shows as disconnected on the Comcast network. A technician is scheduled to show up Monday. Let’s hope s/he’s on time.

Dec. 22 update: The technician arrived about 4:45, spent about five minutes looking at my system and logs, and promptly diagnosed “a bad modem”. He swapped in a new one, and my speeds were suddenly much, much faster. The sad part? The “dead” modem was itself only two months old.