During the damp, dreary darkness of California winter, I looked at buying a new grill. I enjoy grilling, and for most of the year, California has great grilling weather. Buying a grill during the winter is akin to buying a convertible during a rainstorm: salespeople are thrilled to see you and will give you a great deal.

Of course, I never bought that grill.

Now, with Memorial Day and the unofficial start of summer leaping upon us, I find myself again eyeing a new grill. Unfortunately, the one I’m eyeing costs $12,000.

OK, so I’m not really eyeing it so much as ogling it. Only in my wildest dreams (and exorbitant stock prices) could I even consider it. But, oh, it’s so cool.

It’s called the Bread Breaker® Two Dual-Fuel Gourmet Stainless Steel Gas, Charcoal and Wood Combination Grill (just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?).

This mofo is huge: a 36″ x 24″ grilling area, 100,00 BTUs on the main burner, a Rotisserie, a side-burner with 22,000 BTUs, ready for wok cooking, a thermometer that goes up to 1,000 degrees, and, as you may have guessed by virtue of its highly descriptive name, it chars your meat with either charcoal or gas (or, oh! both at the same time!). Replace charcoal with chunks of hardwood and you’ve got yourself a mouthwatering smoked barbecue.

Excuse me while I find a mop for my drool.